When Angels pass through your life........

We've had an Angel pass through our lives & touch our hearts. We moved into my husband's Grandfather's old house after he passed away and shortly after our arrival we met our neighbor's Bea and Tyler. They lived next door to each other around the corner from us & had adopted each other. They had often visited my husband's Grandfather while he was housebound and came to meet the people who were taking his place. We too would soon be adopted by this angelic pair.

Bea was a true blessing in our lives while we had her. She was a former Nun who left her order to marry the man she fell in love with and become an Occupational Therapist. Tyler was a boy who lived next door to Bea with his Grandparents that was affected by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Bea had taken Tyler under her wing from the time he was 18 months old and worked with him to help overcome his physical deficits. He flourished under her care. Soon you couldn't even tell he had any type of issues the way he ran around with all of the other kids & played baseball. She was his rock when his Grandma suddenly became gravely ill and died. They did all sorts of stuff together all the time. She got him to eat veggies & took him on trips to expand his horizons. They went on adventures and learned all sorts of interesting things together.

Bea always had a kind word for each neighbor and would often be seen heading off to prayer meetings, church or Yoga on the beach at dawn. She would accompany the neighborhood widower (also a widow herself now) to dinner and go out dancing with her friends. She helped rescue stray cats and ensured they would be neutered to help control the stray population. She took in other cats who needed homes and loved them like her own children.

She was my Angel in so many ways. She would often pop up at the door just when I needed a couple minutes for myself to take the kids for a walk. Or would always scoot around the corner to stay with the sleeping kids while I ran to store or picked my daughter up from preschool. There were times it was almost as if God had sent her. She never judged if the toys were all over or if I was still in my pj's at 11AM. She would simply say "motherhood is God's work but even mommy's need a break". How true that was!!!

Never did a negative word come from her mouth and anytime she heard of others struggling she'd say quietly; "I'll pray for them" and she did. Her faith was inspiring. She would tell the kids wonderful versions of the Bible stories and encourage such excitement & faith in them as well. She never complained and always found the silver lining in every cloud. Her love would just surround everyone around her and there wasn't ever a time she didn't welcome anybody who knocked at her door. She was always excited to see our latest renovations or the kids' newest work of Art. She would often stop by to play with our kids all the while doing OT types of play with them but making it so much fun they didn't know the difference.

It was this time a year ago that Bea called to tell us she wouldn't be able to join us for our son's birthday dinner & cake as she had since we met. We thought it was odd because she complained of not feeling well and she was rarely sick. It wasn't until she called and begged off for Mother's Day too that we immediately knew something was remiss. I went over after dance class the following day and found her struggling to walk & hold things with her left hand. This was instantly a red flag considering how active & healthy she had always been. We got her appointments with her regular doctor and a Neurologist. When her siblings and nieces & nephews learned of her struggles they came and whisked her off to NY for more doctor visits.

Only to be told that she had terminal Cancer (Brain, Lung, Bone) and to put her affairs in order. Her family didn't know she had already done just that when she had some Basal Cell Carcinomas removed from her eyelids the winter before her diagnosis. I remember thinking when she asked me to come & witness some of the changes with her Attorney that something must be wrong. When I asked her she kept things upbeat and simply said I'm not getting any younger and told me I had other more important things to worry about & changed the subject.
She asked to return home to her cozy cottage on the water where she had spent her married life with her husband. It was a tiny, storybook like cottage they had lovingly surrounded with beautiful flowers and religious figures. It was a place you could escape to and watch the boats go by and listen to the waves.

Her family was all hours away so my husband & I did all we could to help her. We got her things to make her more comfortable. We called and asked old friends to come & visit her and the people just flocked to her door. They would tell us how Bea was tireless in her work as an OT for Special Needs children. Or how she helped them get sober or to find God. Each week we drove her to her doctor's appointments & Cancer center visits and as she endured pain & discomfort she never forgot to thank each person as they finished giving her a Cat scan or fitting her for a Radiation mask. We were meant to help her on her journey back to God; it was a good thing we did because her family didn't know she was Diabetic or had had those Carcinomas removed.

There were frantic calls in the middle of the night when she was disoriented and then one fateful night a call that she'd been taken to the hospital. I kissed my sleeping babies & left them in my husband's care as I made frantic calls to alert all of the family members, friends and her Clergy on the way to the hospital. She had a list of people she wanted called to be with her and her area in the ER was packed with neighbors, Priests, Deacons, some of the family members who were closest.

It was that night we were informed of her Do Not Resuscitate order. There were Clergy there from every church in the area and we all prayed for a quick return to her God she so loved. It was as though she was waiting for others to come & say good bye before she left us. It was a calm, peaceful passing as she quietly stopped breathing and had a peaceful smile on her face. The funeral home, church and reception afterwards were packed and each person had another story to tell of how Bea had impacted their lives. She was loved so dearly by so many.

Its hard to believe she died almost a year ago already because her memory and her love are still so fresh in our hearts. My life has been touched by an Angel and I am a better person as a result. I hope to someday have had the same kind of influence on as many people's lives as our Angel Bea did.

Happy Mother's Day........

Mother's Day can be so many things for so many people.
It can be about loss, disappointment, love, anticipation and
just pure joy. Loss if you've ever lost a child or had a miscarriage
and disappointment for the moms-to-be who struggle to become
pregnant. I often think of how blessed I've been for these last
5 years of Mother's Days to have my beautiful children to make
me one of the lucky ones who can celebrate this day.

It also reminds me to pray for those moms in my life who
know loss and disappointment and may be feeling a bit sad.
I pray for the people who have already lost their mom or a child.
I pray for those people I know who are trying so hard to become
moms themselves. I pray that my daughter will also know the
joy of motherhood one day too. Then I always thank God for
My Mom, My Grandmothers, my "Aunt Connie" and my sister;
who all taught me how to be a good mom. They taught me to
love even when you're exhausted and feel like you have nothing
left. Every day they were/are examples of sacrifice for their
families and especially children; who bolster my spirits when I
need it most.

Mother's Day for me also often means a birthday. This year it
was my birthday but other years its my sister's or father's
birthdays in our family. My mom has always been such a good
sport about sharing her special day with us all over the years.
She would bake cherry chip cakes for me, or pies for my dad.
We would go out for dinner, stay home & BBQ and many years
we all met up with my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins to celebrate
with my Grandmas too.

I was pregnant with our daughter one year and 18 months
later brought our son home just in time for Mother's Day. I can
still remember the breeze in my hair as we carried our son in the
house and I wrapped my arms around my tiny daughter. I was
nervous, excited and so thankful all at once. I looked at my mom
and she too had tears of joy in her eyes and could probably think
back to a similar Mother's Day with a newborn baby in her arms
all those years ago.

This year was the quietest and one of the nicest Mother's Days
I've ever had. I didn't have to get all dressed up and got out for
dinner. I didn't have to iron everyone else's outfits & get them all
ready to go either. I stayed in bed and read the paper (ahh current
events) and drank my coffee while my family wrapped my gifts
& got breakfast ready. I loved listening to the excited giggles as
my "babies" helped Daddy get everything all ready. My most
favorite part of the day was that I got some of those memory
making, cherish forever types of gifts that the kids made me at
school. Picture frames, handmade cards, handmade giftwrap
& stationary along with romantic, thoughtful & even a funny
card too from the man who made me a mother.

Happy Mother's Day ladies! We're all blessed in our own ways.

A parent's worry.

When you haven't had your own kids yet you don't completely
understand how much people love their children. You wonder
about those people who don't get divorced because of the kids
and say to your other single friends "I'd never stay" and they
all nod. You can't understand how people just stop making time
for themselves and they give everything to their kids. Again,
you & your single friends all agree you'll still go to the spa every
month & never forget to make time for yourself. That you would
still be well versed in current events and read all the newest
books. You also just can't REALLY understand why your mom
STILL worries about you.....at your age. LOL

Then you take that test, see those pink lines & go for the
confirmation ultrasound. The thrill of knowing that you're
creating life is such an amazing feeling & you fall in love immediately!!!
You see that tiny heart beat in that little sac of cells & you just
know they'll be the next Nobel Peace Prize winner or something
equally as terrific!! Suddenly, you're a parent & the worrying starts.
You worry about how much folic acid to take, if you should take
more vitamins since you have terrible morning sickness & they
exited your system as quickly as they entered. You worry about
c-sections, Strep B, Vitamin K shots, nursery colors and nobody tells
you that's nothing compared to what comes next. All of the other
parents want you to join their club so they never let on until after
the sperm has met the egg that you worry every day of your kids'
lives. What the parents of Special Needs children quickly learn is
that you have even more things to worry about than other parents.

You worry if your child is getting enough therapies, if they're being
socialized enough, if they'll regress while school is out before
extended school year starts. Then its what types of things
(dyes, lactose, etc) provoke behaviors or bring on bouts of GI
upset. How to set up a Special Needs trust in case you get run
over by a bus tomorrow. I worry my son will wander and get
hit by a car, taken by a stranger or worse drown in our front
yard!!!! I find myself losing sleep sometimes because of the
worries but each day just try and remember that God has
given me this child because he has faith that I can do it.

I remember as a little girl my mom was the school nurse at
our local ARC and sometimes we would go there. We were
always taught tolerance so we didn't think anything of playing
with the students there. We would see them at our church or
out in the community. They were always so happy to see my
mom & us that they'd run over and give us hugs & say hi.
My mom used to say that God gave the special needs kids
faces of angels because once you look into their kind, gentle,
loving eyes nobody could refuse them help. I often find
myself praying that people feel that way when they look
into my sweet boy's face. Its a constant worry that people
might be mean to him because he can't talk. I already hear
my courageous, feisty daughter defending her brother
when other kids say he's dumb he can't talk. It makes
me so proud that she's not afraid to stand up for him
even when her friends may think he's different or not
as good as them.

As a mom you always want to rush in & fix the hurts,
boo boos and take their pain upon yourself to spare
them. Now that our daughter is going to Preschool;
I hear stories of the teasing and it saddens me to
think that all this time since I was a 5 year old; kids
are the same. If somebody's different single them out
& taunt them. My daughter doesn't see any differences.
She doesn't know anything other than if they're nice
to me then I will play with them. It doesn't matter if
they're from the wrong side of the tracks, a different
religion, race........nope she's just looking for some nice
kids to play with & have some fun. My beautiful,
sweet hearted daughter isn't afraid of befriending
any child.

Her depth of character and compassion at 5 is inspiring!
She always has a kind, encouraging word for each person
she encounters and its my sincere hope that her spirit will
be infectious. Each day she inspires a new kind of pride in
my heart as I watch her grow into an even more loving
& caring individual who stands fast in the face of peer
pressure.

Melatonin and Autism......

Our kids have always been great sleepers from the time they
were babies. Once we figured out that both had "silent reflux"
then we were able to manage it and they slept through the night
even though they were both nursed. It was so great for us to lay
them in their bassinet at 9:30 PM and be able to sleep until 6
or 7 AM. We didn't realize how much we would miss that sleep
until it became such a habit for our son not to sleep.

Sleep deprivation can make people crazy!!! You'll drive away
& leave your coffee on the roof of your car, you forget things and
sometimes even scare yourself with your own version of auto pilot.
I've gotten to my daughter's preschool & been so tired that I wasn't
even sure I drove there. I lost my car in the parking lot one day
because I was so tired but to make it better I had driven my husband's
car so it took me even longer to find it. LOL

Out of desperation I started doing research into Autistic children
& sleep disturbances. I couldn't have been more relieved when I found
& read the research about Melatonin being used with Autistic children.
Well I called my Pediatrician right up and asked his advice. He hadn't
read it but promptly did and called me the next morning to say he
didn't see any reason not to try it. I must say our new Pediatrician is
very supportive & encouraging. He's especially good about reminding
my husband when he's in the office not to forget I need a break too.

Thus began my pursuit of Melatonin and a safe way to administer
it to my son. I read online & called my Pediatrician again who suggested
I try the vitamin or health food stores. I found it in a liquid and began
putting a drop in my son's dinner time beverage. He was sleepy almost
as soon as he was done eating. We got him right into his pj's and ushered
him off to bed without a complaint. My husband & I did the sleepy time
dance and then promptly went to bed ourselves at 9PM. When you're
as tired as we were you'd try anything too.

You must keep to a schedule and make sure they don't go for too
many days straight without a break from the Melatonin. They can
build up a tolerance or even become immune. When I say this was a
life saver its no exaggeration. Driving tired is just as dangerous as
drinking drunk. I won't deny that there aren't still days that Will
isn't awake at 3AM but its usually if he's getting sick or having a
growth spurt again.

Marriage and Autism..........

Yesterday was my parents 43rd Wedding Anniversary and its my
sincere hope that my husband & I may achieve something close to
that some day too. My parents marriage is something to be
commended in so many ways. They're good friends to each other,
they still share an affection for each other and boy do they stick
together. My parents have weathered many challenges in their
married lives as most couples do. They've seen each other through
the illnesses & deaths of some of their parents, my dad is a Cancer
survivor. They've raised, educated & married off 4 kids and are
excitedly awaiting the impending birth of their 6th grandchild
(plus 2 fur grandchildren Bella & Jasper LOL) this summer.


Its startling to see that parents of Autistic children have
astronomically high divorce rates. So here is my question.........
what if anything is being done to keep these families intact?
Is the NIH or Autism Speaks doing any research into what
causes these families to fracture? One of the most important
things we as parents or caregivers of Autistic children can
do is provide consistency but how is that being encouraged by
outside forces? Should it become a mandatory course of treatment
for the entire family to participate in therapy sessions? If health
insurance companies were forced to pay for family/couples
therapy for Autistic families would the divorce rate then plummet?
Do parents of Autistic kids not get therapy because they're
squeezing every cent out of their budgets to provide biomedical,
therapeutic or other various interventions for their child instead?
Is there a need for more therapists to be required to interact with
Autistic families as part of their training? Does a law need to be
put into place so each Autistic child's family can receive respite
care? I understand its available but have yet to find the time to
fill out the 85 pages of applications & send in the 75 pages of doctors
reports to substantiate that my child is in fact Autistic & should
receive respite care.


Parenting can be challenging to negotiate for a couple but then
introduce the other things like sleep deprivation, constant visits
with therapists (in home or in office) aka no privacy, the added
expenses of raising an Autistic child. Apparently that converts to
a 20% success rate for parents of Autistic children and I want to
know who is fighting to change that? In our family that translates
into my husband working more than he should to try and provide
all that our family needs while I hold down the fort at home.
Certainly it hasn't helped our chances of success because we live
in New Jersey; apparently not only the home of sky high Autism
rates but also a crazy cost of living and some of the highest
property tax rates in the country. Thank you Governor Corzine!!

Ask yourself.......what can I do to help these parents make their
marriage more successful? How can I help to keep these families
intact?

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad! You've been wonderful examples
for all of us kids. Thank you for all that you do to try and keep my
family intact & successful. I love you both dearly.