Don't Beat Yourself Up..........

I got an email today from a young mom whose child was only
recently diagnosed with a Spectrum disorder. Then I received a
call from a veteran mom whose child has been diagnosed for 7+
years now. What amazed me the most about the two of them
was how similar their feelings were to each other's and mine too.
My favorite thing to say to other moms as they struggle with
the Autism monster is "do what you need to do to get through
the day".

It's not always easy & trust me when I tell you I'm not Suzie
Sunshine by any means. LOL Yes, I struggle with the worry that
everyone stares at Will or thinks he's different. Sometimes I wish
Will could be like the other kids & listen when I tell him not to
run in front of the swings at the playground instead of me having
grass stains from diving on him to keep him from getting hit. I
even wish at times like getting a family portrait done that it was
as simple as say cheese. You do mourn the what if's alot when
they're first diagnosed and then over time when it seems like
their peers are so much farther ahead. Megan is only 18 months
older so I always know what Will could be doing.

What hurts me the most though is when my Nephew who just
turned 4 is doing stuff that's closer to what Meg is doing than Will.
Sometimes I can't help myself & I cry when my mom tells
me something cute he's said or done. Not because I don't want
him to be doing those things but because I know what has been
stolen from us too.

I waste alot of days feeling sorry for myself but try not to wallow
in the pity. Some days it's easier than others. Then I look into my
son's sweet face and I'm reminded how much I adore this kid.
Flapping, hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, pulling my hair and all
of it he does and has done in public but I know deep down that's
not my beautiful boy.....it's the illness. He almost yanked huge
clumps of my hair out the first day of school when I had to drive
him to school after the bus left w/out even stopping. I have my
days that I've cried in public because he's been so bad and been
hurting me physically in a dr's office waiting room while others
watched in horror. Well watch all you want because I waited
6 months to get into this dr's office and I'm not leaving no matter
how badly my son acts or how undignified you think I look. Yes,
that's right I'm simply doing what I can to get through that day.

I have my days that I have to stop and take a really big, deep
breath as he's pinching me so often I look like a battered woman.
Some days I even have to stop and take 3 or 4 deep breaths just
to get through the first hour after he gets off the bus. You will have
those days when you feel like it would be nice just to run away, get
some drinks, take a bubble bath and order room service. They
won't ever hold a candle to those days when your child looks at
you and says I love you mommy.

People will judge you and maybe even try to make you feel badly
about how your child acts or how behind the other kids. I've had
other moms who were blessed w/only "typical" kids tell me what I'm
doing wrong and then there are the moms who have walked in my
shoes that just give me a look that says I understand. Or the dad
who sees that I'm alone and struggling when Scott used to work
all the time & he'd help me get our stuff to the car or catch
Will as he tried to run away.

I'm thankful for all of those people coming into my life because they
all just as William does have a lesson to teach me. Just remember
Autism moms and dads, God has Faith in you and your ability to parent
these Autistic kids (his "special" angels) just the way they need to be
parented.  He also understands if you struggle with things not always
being peachy- keen. A true friend and compassionate person would
never ever judge you for saying just that either. You will lose friends
over the course of this illness and then you'll also meet some terrific,
inspiring, uplifting people who you'll wonder what good things you
ever did to deserve their friendship. I can promise you that. :)

Keep your chins up and just keep breathing!  Keep your spirits up
and remember this isn't a sprint it's a relay and sometimes you just
have to hand off the baton in order to be able to recharge for the next leg.